The Arachnet Electronic Journal on Virtual Culture __________________________________________________________________ ISSN 1068-5723 July 26, 1994 Volume 2 Issue 3 SQARV2N3 NETLOVE Virtual Square (EJVC) ------------------ "ROMANCE AND THE INTERNET" CONTENTS Michael Hyman InterNet Romances: They Can Succeed Peter Hering InterNet Romances Don't Work Meng Weng Wong Skeptical of Net Romances Marcia Bednarcyk Prince/Princess Syndrome: How to Avoid Pitfalls in Net Relationships Essi "Dalva" Salminen Love at First Message: A Finnish Love Story Gerald M. Phillips Romance on the Internet --------------------------------------------------------- INTERNET ROMANCES--THEY CAN SUCCEED by Michael R. Hyman, PhD New Mexico State University or Suppose, after accepting a one-semester appointment as a visiting professor, that you find yourself in a remote corner of Belgium. Well, perhaps remote corner is an overstatement, given that Belgium is Maryland-sized; however, you're without a car and over 100km from Antwerp or Brussels. Other than the one colleague who persuaded you to pursue this adventure, your most proximate friends and family are six time zones away. Your one-room, second-floor apartment, with its grey linoleum flooring, white laminate furniture, two electric burners, suitcase-sized refrigerator, valise-sized water heater, closet-sized bathroom, heat-off-at-10pm-and-on-again-at-7pm steam radiator, and plastic multi-colored polka dot table cloth, is without telephone or television. Although some multilingual locals can decipher your weird (i.e., non-British) accent if you speak s-l-o-w-l-y and eschew words with Anglo-Saxon etymologies, your four years of high school French escaped from memory years ago and you're as familiar with Dutch/Flemish as you are with Sanskrit; so, you're unlikely to strike up a conversation at the local supermarket or laundromat. Other than continuing your workaholic lifestyle, with the help of a newly acquired notebook computer, or listening to pop music on Armed Forces radio, how do you amuse yourself? Oh, you're single and currently unattached. One possibility: use the Internet to woo a U.S.-based acquaintance that you haven't seen in five years but recently saw during a job interview. Why the Internet? Clearly, distance was a factor. At roughly 30 BEF (or $1) per minute, phone conversations were cost prohibitive, especially for a Yank on a European academic salary. As a free medium, the Internet clearly eliminated the guilt and horror of a monthly $300 pay phone habit. Timeliness was also a factor. Although the trip of an e-mail message from Europe to the U.S. typically takes half a day, the Internet is instantaneous relative to international snail mail. With snail mail, the minimum two-week delay between question and answer was guaranteed to dampen my enthusiasm for corresponding. Furthermore, E-mail preempted all lame apologies for either illegible handwriting or seemingly impersonal laserjet-printed letters. Finally, an early morning Internet session beats computer solitaire as a warm-up activity. (Note: You also eliminate the embarrassing moment when a colleague catches you playing a computer game rather than completing your next scholarly masterpiece.) For many years I've pursued the traditional method for beginning a relationship: face-to-face contact, typically over several dinners. The primary goals over dinner usually concern appearance rather than substance, such as maintaining a casual yet respectful demeanor, trying not to spill your wine, eating with chopsticks without dropping a shrimp in your lap, and the like. In contrast, the primary goal of a new Internet-based relationship is to learn about another's thoughts. Because the Internet is a far less formal medium than snail mail, Internet-based relationships start as friendships, which tends to set your priorities straight from the beginning. Based on my experience, here are some tips for those brave souls who want to start an Internet-based relationship. Although my results were positive--this long-distance relationship now includes frequent visits--remember that these tips are based solely on my experience, so the appropriate disclaimers apply (e.g., your mileage may differ). (1) Allow your messages to reveal "the real you." Avoid correspondence dominated by mundane issues, such as "it's rained the last seven days" or "I'm getting my hair cut tomorrow." Save such material for your diary. An Internet-based relationship works best for people who believe that ideas are important. Although you should write about topics of interest to you, I found that current events, books/articles, research ideas (yes, really!), and old movies (I once spent half a Saturday categorizing my favorite movies and explained why I liked them) work well. (2) Always maintain a positive tone. Life is too short even if you don't dwell on morose e-mail. For some, mild sarcasm may work, but only when a smile and a wink will reveal that it was meant in jest. Remember that an innocuous exchange on a discussion list can erupt into a flame war simply because a sender's tone of voice is unknowable. Yes, netiquette permits smiley faces (:-)), but you're better off avoiding cutesiness and negativity. Also, avoid gossip if possible, but don't appear preachy about the sin of gossip. (3) If writing is your forte, then play to your strength and craft your messages rather than constructing them on the fly. Unlike the telephone, e-mail allows you time to reflect and to edit your thoughts. (Remember the times you wish you hadn't said something during a phone conversation!) As the text editors on most mainframe systems are clumsy, you might try composing your messages on your word processor, saving the results as an ASCII file, and then uploading that file to the mainframe. (4) Never write directly about a possible relationship. At best, you'll only expedite matters. At worst, you'll frighten off the other person before he/she's come to know you. Allow your correspondence to slowly blossom into a face-to-face relationship. (5) Always take the ethical high road, but again, don't appear preachy. If nothing else, you'll set the right tone for any future relationship. (6) You can slowly reveal your wild side (or, for academicians like me, what passes for your wild side), but be careful. Look for subtle cues about acceptable topics and the tone for their discussion. Avoid appearing sex-crazed even if you're corresponding with Madonna. (7) Save your correspondence on diskettes. If all works well, you'll have a pleasant memento of your efforts. [hyman - end] ----------------------------------- INTERNET ROMANCES DON'T WORK by Peter Hering Traveling through cyberspace may not be as exciting as a midnight ride warning of an impending invasion, but the once monochrome computer screen, which somehow made computing an occupation pursued only by scientists with sideburns, has become a playground for even the most timid of users. It took Paul Revere all night to warn a handful of soldiers that the British were coming. It has taken me a few minutes to correspond with "users" all around the world. Students at universities as far away as Poland and as close as the University of Texas at Austin find time to speak with a fellow user, outlining information, talking politics, or just simply making time. On some channels, cybersex rules; it is the ultimate computer orgasm to feed even the most perverted 1-900 fantasy. And it's just as safe! Within minutes I am plugged in to Pigulki #16, an "occasional electronic collection of news analysis, press reviews, and humor from/about Poland and the Polish community abroad." Seconds later, I am back scrolling through the avenues of the University of Massachusetts, Amherst, gopher server, trying to locate a lost love who eluded me so many years ago. Oh, it's a wonderful place, the Internet. A place where one can correspond with professors at Polish Universities who are easily offended when addressed as "sir," but in the same breath are willing to divulge valuable travelers' tips about Poland to you. Then again, perhaps speaking with an angry female you've never met is more your cup of tea. Upset that you didn't send her a message via electronic mail today, this unknown keystroker displays her hatred for you, thereby crashing yet another cyberlove affair upon the rocky shoals of the InfoBahn. But wait! You don't even know this woman. She just appeared as a random blurb on the Internet chat line one day, and now you've begun exchanging messages? Get a hold of yourself! This isn't love. Internet romances don't work. Letters and messages are exchanged, maybe even a phone number or two: the letters and conversations are funny, witty, challenging. A mental picture begins to form: the face, the body, the smile, the hair, and ultimately pictures are exchanged. Invariably the photos disappoint, or perhaps they intimidate. Simply stated, the internet is a place where men, women, and children can exercise their fantasies, as well as escape the realities of their boring and pathetic lives; or maybe they're escaping their exciting and overly burdening lives. In any case, the fantasy remains, and when it is realized it is more often than not disappointing, much like those we have every day. The Internet remains a forum for friendly chatter, a proving ground for the sexually naive, and a station for all to dispose of their luggage. Problems are solved, problems are created, friends and enemies exchanged. But love, much as in everyday life, remains elusive. ------------------------------------ Peter Hering is currently completing a Master of International Journalism degree at Baylor University in Texas, after which he will be moving to Stuttgart, Germany, to begin work with a magazine publishing company. Originally from Boston, Massachusetts, he obtained a Bachelor's degree from the University of Massachusetts, Amherst, in 1992. ------------------------------------ [hering - end] ---------------------------------------------------- SKEPTICAL OF NET ROMANCES by Meng Weng Wong Many of us have built great friendships on the net. And I must admit that there is a certain spell associated with a net-relationship -- there's something sensually tantalizing about the slow progression of crafted words across a screen. The spell may even lead to a disinclination to voice or fleshmeet a net.friend; one is dismayed by the possibility that he won't turn out quite the way you'd imagined him to be. And so one puts off, interminably, that inevitable phone call, that inevitable "I'll be wearing a white carnation on my lapel" occasion, sacrificed to maintain the fragile illusion of another's persona. Are we really who we are? What are the implications for basic definitions of "personality"? Emboldened and empowered by anonymity, wholly in control of the persona we convey (unlike in real life or while voicing, betrayed by our leaky bodies), we can be whoever we want to be. This may be a reason for the way our self-awareness changes when on the net. Factor analysis of a questionnaire called the Self-Consciousness Scale, developed by Fenigstein, Scheier, and Buss in 1975, revealed three significant groups correlating self-awareness with personality traits. Private self-consciousness refers to being attentive of one's real feelings: "I reflect about myself a lot." Public self-consciousness relates to a concern with oneself as a social object (Wicklund calls this "objective self-awareness"), for example, "I'm concerned about what other people think of me." The third factor is called social anxiety and refers to the tendency to become upset by social attention; a sample item is, "I feel very anxious when I speak in front of a group" (Sabini, _Social Psychology_, p. 275). How does this relate to net.interactions? Well, let's look at how the net, as a medium, differs significantly from real life. I will, for the most part, consider high-interactivity media such as mailing lists/email, and IRC chat systems. Interaction is reduced to lines of text, enlivened by the occasional smiley. Intonative information is lost, not to mention the enormous body of nonverbal communication, our vocabulary of gestures and idiosyncratic symbols. Two effects follow from this: cognizant of the reduced scope of our presentation, bereft of props, we are forced to focus on what we say, and how we say it. Our private self-consciousness is increased. Real-life conversation is a dynamic process of action/reaction, where participants consider the other's perspective and reaction to what one is saying. On the net, though, such cues are effectively suppressed, due either to the paucity of the medium (in realtime chats) or to the asynchrony inherent in any system where messages are long and take time to compose. The delayed medium and unemotional nature of text (as opposed to real physical intimacy) results in a reduction of public self-awareness: it is simply impossible to gauge the response of the audience, and thus one is forced from a posture of rhetorical persuasiveness to an earnest desire to communicate meaningfully. Concerning social anxiety, or stage fright, in real life, an audience can be supportive or critical and hostile, but an audience is always conscious of the speaker, and the speaker knows that the audience is forming an impression of him, an impression that he is at this very moment working to construct or change. When communicating with an audience distanced in space and in time, the author of email is no longer constrained by realtime impression-formation, but only by his ability to hold the attention of the reader. In realtime communication such as on IRC, social misapprobation hits less hard; handles, mere strings of text, can be changed at will, and the sheer number of people one communicates with leads to de-individuation and a flippant and easy escaping of responsibility. Some analyses implicate the sender, the source of perceived personality, for any misrepresentation. I suggest that it is equally the fault of the recipient: one may be so eager to see what is not there that one falls into the basic traps of attributional errors and confirmation biases. Consider that the amount of information transmitted during realtime chats is severely limited compared to a fleshmeet or even a phone call. What explains the popularity of IRC? Several factors contribute to its attraction. First, one can always talk, even when someone else is saying something: lines of text may scroll by, but one's reading speed can easily compensate for the fact that ten people are talking (typing) at the same time. The reduction in message style and content, necessitated sometimes by typing speeds, requires an active social imagination to interpret tightly coded messages. I suggest that it is in this area of interpretation that most misunderstandings occur. One person's intent may be masked entirely by a poor choice of phrases; sarcasm in particular does not carry well across on the net, and a message totally opposite to the intent of the sender may be received. It is easy to perceive unmeant intents; such misperception occurs when the wrong guess is made, when the facts are made to fit the theory. An attempt at companionship may be misconstrued as crude flirtation; "guy humour" may be interpreted as intenti onally sexist and offensive. Given that there is very little context upon which a net.friendship can be built, and that even a single day spent together can exceed a month of time on the net in terms of "getting to know you," I can be only skeptical of the strength of virtual friendships. --------------------------------------- Meng Weng Wong runs a resource guide and mailing list for students writing theses on computer-mediated communication and related subjects. His field of interest is human-computer interactions, with a focus on the human half. --------------------------------------- [wong - end] ----------------------------------- PRINCE/PRINCESS SYNDROME: HOW TO AVOID PITFALLS IN NET RELATIONSHIPS by Marcia Bednarcyk or Relationships started over the net have one major difference from those started in person: you have not seen the person you are getting emotionally involved with. Somehow, that seems to make the relationship appear more pure -- free from all the superficial physical attributes. However, the absence of this data creates new pitfalls and problems in the relationships. In the absence of concrete information, the mind tends to fill in the gaps with data of its own creation. After a while, you think you just know that person is a certain way from his/her writings. This leads to what I have termed the "prince/princess syndrome." When you finally meet the person, since you're expecting him to be the prince of your imaginings, you're often disappointed when he turns out to be simply ordinary. Being disappointed in someone because he doesn't live up to your preconceived notions is a bad way to start out a relationship. When all you know about the person is what he writes, you're not getting the whole picture. You're only getting what he tells you. I'm not talking about the scenario where he is deliberately holding things back, but simply omitting things that to him may be so commonplace as to not warrant a mention. Also, some things cannot be transmitted through text, for example, habitual gestures and mannerisms. Only by meeting this person are you going to be able to find out where the gaps are, and they may contain traits that you cannot stand. In most of the net.relationships I've been in or observed closely, there's been an air of unreality: you sense that this relationship is not connected to your real life. It often becomes a problem when one or the other of you moves so you can be closer: suddenly, that person is physically present all the time. Integrating him into your life, which generally happens slowly in non-Internet relationships, ends up being accelerated. There are a lot of adjustments that need to happen quickly, and the subsequent stress can destroy the relationship. My own experience leads me to make the following suggestions: 1. Take it slow. The faster you build up the intensity, the faster the fantasies fly. If it's real, you've got all the time you need. 2. Before you meet, exchange pictures. This allows each person time to reconcile what she thinks the other person looks like with what he really looks like. 3. When you do meet, make plans to do things together, not just be together. It's a lot easier to cancel plans if things really click than it is to try to create them on the fly if they don't. I met my fiance over the net -- not via email, but via an interactive, text-based server called a MUSH. We took a long time getting to know one another. We never considered ourselves a couple in reality (as opposed to virtual reality, or VR) until we'd met in person and discovered that we were attracted to the real person, not just the part that can be transmitted via text. ------------------------------------------ Marcia Bednarcyk is a long time inhabitant of the Internet, participating in a number of Usenet newsgroups for almost eight years. She currently co-runs WriteMUSH, an interactive server available to teach classes on line. In her real life, she is currently a technical manager for Cisco Systems, Inc. She can be reached via the Internet at marcia@netcom.com. ------------------------------------------ [bednarcyk - end] --------------------------------------- LOVE AT FIRST MESSAGE: A FINNISH LOVE STORY by Essi "Dalva" Salminen I have been hanging around the Internet now about two months, but it feels like a year. I have met people from all around the world, and some of them have become my friends. However, Internet friends come and go. Everyday you meet new people and forget those you have exchanged only a few words with. But I do have some permanent friends. For example, J from England and some Finns with whom I can use my own language. J is almost my soul-brother, and it's easy to talk with him about everything because he is so similar to me. Also, love has stepped into my life via computer. It all began when I was bored and wanted to start a conversation with someone and I couldn't find a smart way to do it. I just said "Dalva wants to dance with R." R was just one of the guys on the channel, and he sounded sympathetic. He asked me what music I would like to hear, and I said, "How about Grieg?" That evening, we "danced and drank champagne." That's how we met. We then started chatting. He is almost five years older than I, and he lives in London. I live in Finland, but in IRC, age and distance really doesn't matter so much. I had just had an internet affair with a Finnish guy who was a year younger than I, but that ended when we started to argue about everything. It was a disaster. The best thing about R is that he is so caring and knows just the right words to comfort me when I'm feeling blue. Sometimes I feel that he's too good to be true; he makes me feel so safe and loved. It still isn't so easy for me to admit that I'm feeling the same feelings on IRC that I'm feeling in real life. I feel love, confusion, jealousy, and happiness -- and I have even cried in front of the screen. But how is it possible to love someone you have never seen in person? I don't know if I can call what I'm feelings love, but that's the only word to describe it. Despite the fact that my sweetheart lives in a different country and that we can't see each other for at least a year, I can't stop loving him. The most amazing thing about having a relationship on the Internet is that you can see inside the person you are talking with. Online, you are talking with your soul and brains, not with your body and words from your lips. Face to face, you often speak needless words, but on the Internet, you're writing your thoughts without having to be afraid that your face shows something wrong or that you're going to start stuttering when saying something sensitive. Inside R, I can see a caring person, maybe a bit shy, but still funny and cute. If I had met him in person, I don't think I would have gotten to know him so well in such a short time. I find it very hard to speak about my feelings. I can express them either via body language or writing. The Internet makes saying things so much easier; it gives you time to think before saying something because the writing takes time. You avoid saying unnecessary and stupid things; natural, spontaneous behavior, so to say, isn't there anymore to make things difficult. The bad sides are that there are so many people to talk with, and sometimes you feel like you're not getting enough attention from your partner. However, this is my problem: I need a lot of attention, and I have to feel that I'm the one and only. I consider this side of me an inner ugliness, and I'm trying hard to get rid of it. Some say that jealousy is a Finnish national illness, and I think that it's true -- sad but true. On the Internet, you can also find liars. A friend of mine had been meeting online with a girl for a long time and liked -- maybe even loved -- her a lot. They were both Finns, so they finally met each other in person. He found out that the girl had lied about everything. Her hair should have been blond, but it was black; she was two years younger than she should have been; etc. That really was the lowest thing to do, and the things she had lied about were even more serious than the ones I've mentioned. Well, this is my story and my opinions. From my point of view, having a romance on the Internet is wonderful and very rewarding. ------------------------------------ Essi Salminen lives in Finland with her family: mother, father and little sister who also likes to be on IRC hours a day. She's a senior in high school and her main interest is in languages (French, English, Swedish, and German). She'll be leaving Finland for an exchange year in Montreal. She reads a lot of books, listens to music, and hangs out with her friends. Things she could not live without are music, friends, smiling and thoughts. She says, "What am I but a normal teenager, anyway?" ------------------------------------ [salminen - end] ---------------------------------------------------- Romance on the Internet by G. M. Phillips I am old and enjoy a rich fantasy life. I can endow anyone with any characteristics and do anything with them that I like. The only thing is, I can't tell them about it. In short, the advice, from a certified Marriage Counselor, about advice on the Internet is the same as I'd give for romance anywhere. Be careful. The word "romance" has no meaning. -------------------------------- Gerald M. Phillips (Professor Emeritus), Speech Communication Trade and Applied Books Editor, Hampton Press Editor, IPCT: An Electronic Journal for the 21st Century ISSN 1064-4326. Send submissions to GMP3 at PSUVM.PSU.EDU Pennsylvania State University, University Park, PA 16802 Manuscripts are being accepted for the 1994 volumes. -------------------------------- [phillips - end] _____ Articles and Sections of this issue of the _Electronic Journal on Virtual Culture_ may be retrieved via anonymous ftp to byrd.mu.wvnet.edu or via e-mail message addressed to LISTSERV@KENTVM or LISTSERV@KENTVM.KENT.EDU (instructions below) or GOPHER gopher.cic.net Papers may be submitted at anytime by email or send/file to: Ermel Stepp - Editor-in-Chief, _Electronic Journal on Virtual Culture_ M034050@MARSHALL.WVNET.EDU _________________________________ *Copyright Declaration* Copyright of articles published by Electronic Journal on Virtual Culture is held by the author of a given article. If an article is re-published elsewhere it must include a statement that it was originally published by Electronic Journal on Virtual Culture. 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